Get out from it?

easier said than done

I've been struggling so many things these days. I am tired.

 In the last two days, I went for medical check up, yea, for University enrollment. I already knew it, i was quite nervous that day, really hoped for miracle.

 What made me so nervous? What I was fearing of?

Weight 
 I didn't realize how much weight I lose, all I knew was, my diet polar was getting worse in foundation days. I did try to fix it as it ended. I did. At least I ate rice twice a day. :) And I thought that I was getting better, yea, I no longer felt those bloody disorders (fatigue, shaking, nausea, headache, heart-ache, back ache, so many ache I lose count) anymore. I felt healthier, and happier. I check my wrist if it's getting bigger, and the thigh gap if it gets closer, almost everyday.

 Getting on weight scale is my biggest fear, that I have to be mentally prepared. As I got on the weight scale... watching the scale... it didn't reach 40kg! I really really freaked out, and was so disappointed. :( Really. I thought that I had gained some weight, or maybe, I was lighter than that before, I didn't realize. It showed 37kg. My heart was shattering into pieces.

Severely Underweight
 What made me more sad; it's severely underweight with BMI of 15.2. At the bottom of the scale. Oh btw, my previous med-checkup before, on April 2016, I weighed 42Kg, with BMI of 17.28.

So, what's the problem? Gaining weight is the easiest shit on earth.

 Says someone who don't understand some people uncommon struggle. Yea, it's for you, for your body.

 You know what I've been struggling with? Kind of eating disorder, I fear of foods. Really. Because I have some issues with foods.

 Firstly, my stomach is super sensitive, that I cannot accept food so easily. I might get stomach ache, constipation, - resulting, I refuse to eat. It usually happens when I eat 'lauk' from the stalls that I am not familiar with (somewhere new: at college cafe, etc). So, I become more aware of what im consuming.

 Secondly, there's particular food that I cannot eat. Any food that contains that ingredients might be so risky. Mostly malay food have that ingredient. During raya, I didn't really eat, I just sat there watching ppl eat, because, yea, it's not safe for me. Hell yea, it doesn't kill me, but it's just very very risky. To be on the safe side, I choose to not eat, or more likely, I fear of eating food that I am not sure what the ingredients they are using.

 Thirdly, it's my problem of disliking foods. sometimes, I am not full yet, but there's the urge that stops me from eating, because I just don't feel like I want to. I eat too little, especially the foods that I don't like!!! Or I would rather not eat. I feel preoccupation with food. - Don't have appetite.

 When I am sad, or stress or depressed, I more likely to deliberate self-starvation, that I have no solid reason why, but I just do it. I just don't feel like eating. wtf is eating? I am sad. sad knows no food. And, denial of hunger follows.

 Anorexia nervosa?
 I don't know. I am not sure. For some reasons, I am not afraid of gaining weight (yea a little, I want a flat and beautiful abs like models - kind of obsession.) BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT! Secondly, I don't excessively exercise, I don't exercise tbh, I afraid of losing weight, and energy, plus got no time, or lazy-exactly.

 I do feel cold, my joint ache like so many times, especially, it kicks in when i am sleeping, wtf, so I lose sleep. Battling with the pain, crying, and cannot do anything; after sometime I fall asleep.

 Depression? Maybe- the signs were spotted. I don't see a doctor tho, but yea, many symptoms seemed to be very familiar.

 And this. I've been crying for all these days.

Missed Period. (critical warning sign from my body)
 This is not a new case for me, I've been experiencing this before, back then in school, nearly SPM when i weighed 37kg also, severely underweight, and all stressed, almost died, gladly I survived. I missed my period for like 3 months.

 aha ha. That's not bad enough, the badass came after I got into foundation center. Freaking 6 months what the hell. I knew, I was all stressed, unhappy,depressed, almost died also. Gladly. it showed up like "tadaaaa miss me not?" and attacked me with like triple times of usual period pain. i fell sick, only god knows how torturing was it. and also, only god knows, how glad, and happy I was. I felt like i wanted to Sujud Syukur.

 And now, the badass make its comeback, yea, I'm suffering it now. i've been waiting and wondering all this while. But medical check up took me to a realization, that my weight is not healthy enough for the production of ovum, yea, I did some research about this. I have too little fat, so it needs to save some energy, and decline some unnecessary production to give the path to those more important part for survival. OMG am I that critical?

 Those people who get their period on track, without any problem, and complaining a lot, you should know this, you're taking what some people are wishing for granted. it's something that I always wait, like every single day. and if it does come, it's such a blessing gift for me.

I feel bad. so bad.

 Now, I am thinking, how to survive for degree, if now im still severely underweight. Frankly speaking, I feel a little bit traumatized of hectic life, of what i've been suffering before, I don't want it to happen again, and I don't want to lose some more weight, I am already thin like a skeleton. i am not healthy. I miss my period. Missed period means that I am in a critical condition already. Let us pray that I will get well very very soon. I need to survive my degree life, with happy ending, and successfully.

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